I can fake it. I will post on my facebook wall a picture of a big fat turkey & all the appropriate thankfulness words. I will ‘like’ the other posts of Holiday wishes and smile my way through the family dinner. Here in the blog I am going to be honest and admit-this year I am searching for my thankful.
This year, I feel an urgency I have never felt before and desolation I have never experienced. I have always been a fighter, a glass is ½ full girl, a believer that hard work and determination will save the day. My beliefs are getting clouded by medical bills, changing medical coverage, and the fear that what Frankie uses to manage his diabetes–so successfully since August, we may not have access to come 2014. These challenges will have a direct impact on my kids—a freight train coming full speed ahead and I don’t think I can derail it-not this time. I am trying-counting insulin pods in the middle of the night, snagging supplies from other diabetic families who have a surplus, calling manufacturers–trying to figure things out—but I can feel the pressure of running out of time
A visible ‘thankful’-I see the positive changes in Frankie since he started on the Omnipod in August. He is talkative, laughs a lot, and goofs around- just like the days before diabetes. We haven’t seen this Frank since June of 2010. He physically feels better on this insulin infusion system and it shows—and whammo-the punch to my ‘thankful’- in 2014 we may not be able to provide it for him and that hurts. Are there other pumps or methods of dosing insulin? Yes—but the Omnipod is the only ‘non-tethered’ pump. Other pumps have tubing from the pump itself to the infusion site-which have not been successful for Frankie. Can we go back to injections? Yes—we can go backward— he can stay alive that way-but he won’t feel as good as he does now-it is harder to maintain a good blood glucose balance on shots for Frankie– but we will have no choice if we can’t work it out…and my heart will break for my boy.
So this Thanksgiving, I am trying—I can recite the usual—I am thankful for my husband and kids, our family, our friends, our jobs–but my heart just doesn’t feel it. I can hear my mother saying “put your hand to the plow and don’t look back” her favorite Bible verse—and I am trying—to forge ahead and face things as they come—they are just getting thrown at me all at once and I forgot my catcher’s mitt. Are there people worse off than us? Yes-I get that—everybody has a hurt they are dealing with—but that doesn’t make me feel mine less. Everyone has challenges to face-but challenges are so much easier to handle when they only effect me—not my children. I don’t want turkey, stuffing or pie—I want our insurance to remain the same in 2014 as it was in 2013. I don’t want to pay more—and get less. I want a Thanksgiving miracle. So I will pray, as I do every day-for us and for all of you. Everyone needs a Thanksgiving miracle—and I hope we all get one.
I will go make green bean casserole now, get ready, and go see the family. I will smile, make small talk, and have a glass of wine.
and… I WILL keep searching for my thankful. I am determined to find it.